Flashback
Man : What... what did you do?
End of Flashback
Homestead
Waverly: It's here! And just in time! Oh! My wedding dress!
Wynonna : You're getting married!
Waverly : I'm getting married!
Wynonna: I knew it. It's buttercream! Nicole? Does this look like buttercream to you?
Nicole : Which answer's gonna make you less crazy?
Wynonna : The bride-to-be is vegan.
Nicole : Yep.
Wynonna: Buttercream's not vegan.
Nicole : Nope.
Wynonna : Ergo, Waverly can't eat her own wedding cake!
Nicole : Meh. What if we just didn't tell her?
Wynonna : This isn't a secret wife, Nicole. This is the matrimonial icing!
Nicole : Wynonna, I know that you want everything to be perfect but it's not gonna be. That's okay! That's our brand!
Wynonna : Not today!
Nicole : Look, this is us. Trying to pull off a wedding. At the Homestead.
Wynonna : Both of Waverly's dads died here.
Nicole : Save something for the wedding toast.
Waverly: Hi!
Nicole : Hey, Waverly Earp. I can't wait to be your wife.
Waverly : Aw, I can't wait to be your wife.
Wynonna : Nicole was gonna serve you buttercream.
Waverly : Huh?
Nicole : I was joking.
Wynonna : It's basically hamburger.
Waverly : There's vegan cupcakes in the freezer. I made 'em yesterday. Just in case. It'll be fine, sis.
Wynonna : Nicole gonna wear her hair like that?
Nedley: You all packed?
Rachel : I got my clothes, my pillow.
Nedley : Have you thought about your lures?
Rachel : Nasty boys for pike and jig spin for walleye.
Nedley : Ah, we don't waste time on walleye on my boat, little lady.
Rachel : Honestly, I'll be happy if I land a minnow. God, fishing!
Nedley : You know I'm glad you're excited. The only thing Chrissy ever caught was mono.
Wynonna:Oh my god. It's beautiful. What even would it feel like? It's summer, who needs doors? Grab the crystal water glasses off the cart before they break. Forget the glasses, water the arbour! That's definitely not vegan!
Doc’s Trailer
Wynonna : Little help? I just saw this dress hanging in the barn, and it was just the one beautiful, perfect thing. And I...
Doc : You had put it on. Your sister's wedding dress. On the day of her wedding.
Wynonna : And now I can't get it off.
Doc : Here's something to help us brainstorm.
Wynonna : Mmm, okay. Wedding speech not going well?
Doc:Oh. Sometimes it is hard to find the right words.
Wynonna : If we don't get me out of this dress, there won't be a wedding.
Doc : Getting you out of your clothes used to be my specialty. Nary a zipper to be found. I could cut it along this seam. Sew it back together and no one would be the wiser.
Wynonna : You can sew?
Doc : Wynonna, some of my clothes are 150 years old.
Wynonna : You look different.
Doc : These threads are enchanted. I cannot cut through.
Wynonna : Oh my god. Someone's coming. Close the door!
Doc : Waverly!
Waverly: Hey!
Doc : Shouldn't you be getting ready for your nuptials?
Waverly : Just running a few little errands first.
Doc : So to what do I owe the honour of this visit? Wyatt Earp's saddle.
Waverly: It took a while to get it properly restored but... I should've given it to you years ago. John Henry Holliday. You are a good person. Not perfect, but trying, every day to be better. And that makes you the best man I have ever known. And so… I'd like you to be mine. Today. My best man!
Doc : What about Wynonna?
Waverly : Oh. She's standing up for Nicole. Apparently, they're best friends now.
Doc : I do not know what I did to deserve your kindness.
Waverly : Just say yes? I still have so much to do.
Doc : It would be my joy to stand by your side and watch you marry that formidable woman.
Waverly : Yay! Okay. Then I'll see you in a couple of hours. Can you believe I'm getting married? Okay. Oops!
Wynonna : Psssst! Ask her where she got the dress!
Doc : Oh, uh, Waverly!
Waverly : Yeah?
Doc : Where did you buy your wedding gown? Jeremy and I are looking to procure matching cummerbunds.
Waverly : Aw! I got it at this adorably quaint little boutique down on Hogback Road.
Outside
Wynonna : Did she say quaint or taint?
Doc : She does love her vintage.
Wynonna : You're so goth. We get it.
Boutique
Woman : Boo.
Wynonna : Oh.
Woman : I see my gown found you.
Wynonna : Yeah, my pee found your gown.
Woman : What are you supposed to be? Some kind of knight in shining armour? A cowboy?
Doc : I am a gunslinger
Woman : Okay, nobody cares. But you.
Wynonna : Hm?
Woman : You are the perfect mark.
Wynonna : I am nobody's mark. I am Wynonna goddamn Earp. And you are gonna get this gown off me before he blows your brains all over this bleak freak boutique.
Woman : The dress will do its work, regardless of what you do to me.
Wynonna : Alright, just give us the evil spiel.
Woman : When the wedding bells chime, the slaughter will begin. At the hand...
Wynonna : What is happening?
Woman : .. of the one...
Doc:Slaughter?
Woman : .. who wears it.
Wynonna : What I think she's saying is I'm gonna kill everyone at the wedding. Well, bing bang boom, we won't ring the bells.
Woman : Don't be so literal. It's gauche.
Wynonna : Oh, don't you gauche me out of this. Now.
Woman : Oh! Only a Bombyx mori can undo the thread it has spun.
Doc : Bombyx mori. Silkworm.
Woman : Yeah, you know the one that has the same pattern on its back as that one.
Wynonna : We're on the clock here I'm just gonna shoot you and see how it goes.
Woman : Killing me won't stop the coming bloodshed.
Doc : So how do we kill the dress?
Woman : You can't. Not without killing the person who wears it.
Wynonna : Alrighty then.
Doc : Well, I guess we gotta find some bugs and save a wedding. Bring it on.
Homestead
Jeremy : I found the cake topper.
Nicole : Oh. Oh.
Jeremy : Mmm. Lesbian wedding.
Waverly : Uh, guys? I misted this before I left! Why is everything frigged up?
Nicole : Yeah. Things have kinda gotten...
Wynonna : Earped?
Jeremy : Yeah. Yeah, it appears that way.
Waverly : Well, who... or what did this?
Jeremy : Don't worry, brides. I will get to the bottom of this.
Waverly : Didn't the barn used to have a door? Look! Baby! Of all the days!
Jeremy : You really thought we wouldn't know, didn't you?
Damon : Uh. What?
Jeremy : Hm. Damon, really? Isn't that a little on the nose?
Damon : What nose?
Jeremy : Oh my gosh. This is a wedding. A day when we celebrate love not... this.
Damon : Wow.
Waverly : Wynonna?
Nicole : Not here.
Waverly : Neither is my wedding dress! Wait. I don't even like that dress.
Nicole : And everything wedding-y is trashed.
Waverly & Nicole : Haunted wedding dress!
Jeremy : I know your secret.
Damon : It's not a secret, man.
Jeremy : Okay, great. Can we just have one day where your kind isn't being shoved in our faces?
Damon : My kind?
Jeremy : Yeah. Damon.
Damon : So, you'd prefer no gays at the gay wedding which you of all people are officiating.
Jeremy : Oh my god, okay, let me guess, you were born that way? Yeah, demon. Wait. Sorry, gay demon?
Damon : Demon? Alright, I'm gonna go away from you while you sort out whatever it is you need sorting out. And you don't get any pinwheels.
Jeremy : Hey! The second I saw you I had a feeling in my crotch!
Outside
Doc : For Waverly!
Wynonna : Okay.
Doc : Ooh, mama!
Wynonna : Did you get it?
Doc : Well, if by "it" you mean E. Coli, then probably. You know it is entirely possible that there are no silkworms in the entire Ghost River Triangle. Where did you, uh... Wynonna.
Wynonna : Are you serious with this sh1t?
Doc : The fog is gone. Amon is gone. BBD is no longer a threat and I am back to being just a man.
Wynonna : Just? You're skipping town and you were gonna tell me in a f*cking note?
Homestead
Waverly : Actually has a buttload of weddings that ended in bloodshed. When your town has forty times the murder rate of a normal borough, you don't always connect the dots.
Nicole : Here's another one. 1968. The bride axed her groom to death on the foot of the chapel right after she'd--
Waverly : Just axed her family to death? Then killed herself?
Nicole : Slit her throat.
Waverly : With the axe!
Nicole : Wanna see her beautiful wedding dress?
Waverly : Ooh, wait, don't tell me. Vintage lace, inlaid sapphires in a heart?
Nicole : Bingo.
Waverly : We know the dress is haunted, so it's gotta be the dressmaker, right?
Nicole :There's an old wedding announcement. Check this out. "The bride will be wearing a creation from Cursey's Bridal Boutique, designed by Ms. Brigitte Hogback.
Waverly :That's definitely the weirdo who sold me the dress. Also! First wedding massacre, 1922. Ah! A Miss H, left at the altar, killed her guests.
Nicole :Well, that is a terrible way to be dunked on.
Waverly :Awful enough to want to destroy every future wedding in town?
Nicole :Baby, if you left me at the altar, I would f*ck sh1t up. I might kill Nedley.
Waverly :Nicole!
Nicole :I'm kidding. I think.
Waverly :What else would you do to keep me around?
Road
Wynonna :You cut and run on Wyatt. You cut and run on Kate. God, her sh1t's still in your car!
Doc : That is your sh1t.
Wynonna :I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd cut and run on me too. On us.
Doc : Look, if you could park your temper for even one minute--
Wynonna :Why, so you can explain? We count on you. And you were just gonna drive off in Charlene and go find a new family?
Doc : You think so little of me?
Wynonna :Yeah, well, that's the thing with you, right? You get us all to believe you can be better. That you're better. And you're just a coward.
Doc : A coward would stay. Instead of admitting it is high time to let go of the past and get to living. And as far as dastards go, you are one to talk.
Wynonna :What is that supposed to mean?
Doc : In war, you are the truest hero I ever fought alongside of. But in love, Wynonna, you are a coward.
Wynonna :You don't know me.
Doc : I know you as sure as I know my own heart. And I wasn't just gonna leave a letter. I was just trying to find the right words to say. Prove me wrong. Come with me.
Wynonna :We don't have time for this sh1t. If we don't get me out of this dress, it'll be "here comes the scythe".
Doc : So that's that?
Wynonna :Shut up and help me paint some grubs.
Homestead
Jeremy :Hello?
Waverly: Oh! Crap!
Jeremy :Oh, my God! Guys, for the last time, nobody wants to see this.
Nicole :Sorry, Jer. We figured out what happened and then we sort of...
Waverly :The spirit took us.
Jeremy :Oh, okay. So you know about the-
Waverly & Nicole : Haunted wedding dress?
Jeremy : Wh-Uh, no. You mean the demon caterer?
Waverly : Uh, no. Check the murder-board.
Nicole : Yeah, but if you're talking about our caterer, his name's Damon and he's pretty great.
Waverly : Super hot, right?
Jeremy : Yes. Definitely hot. And gay!
Nicole : It went that well, huh?
Jeremy : Ugh, No!
Waverly : Sorry, Jerbear! I gotta go.
Nicole : Hey, baby. Heads up. You sure you got this?
Waverly : I'll make sand out of that witch!
Nicole : Nice one.
Jeremy : Bye.
Nicole: Oof! Okay.
Jeremy : Are you sure he's not a demon?
Nicole : I gotta fix my hair. Again.
Store
Woman : They're in here?
Wynonna : Your cup runneth over with silkworms.
Woman : But how? They're not endemic to the region.
Wynonna : Amazon Prime same day, baby. Now de-dressify me.
Woman : Oh! Common Earth worms. Did you even try?
Wynonna : Have you painted a bug before?
Woman : If this is your best effort, I'd rather not see what's next.
Doc : Now, listen here, ma'am. Yes, that is a tumbler of grubs covered in nail polish. But it is symbolic of the great effort that Wynonna puts into keeping her family safe.
Wynonna : Hm. That's actually kinda sweet.
Doc : What you have here is a cup of love.
Wynonna : Scratch that.
Woman : Well, love is not enough to stop your descent into a murderous fever. Your failure has sealed... your fate.
Wynonna : Failure is never irreversible and I'm living proof of that. And if I have to paint every damn maggot on the continent to give Waverly the perfect wedding day then I will.
Woman : Sorry, um, whose wedding day is this?
Waverly : Hi, guys! Wynonna!
Doc : What is she doing here?
Wynonna : Do you think she saw the dress?
Waverly : That was such a rush!
Wynonna : That was remarkably easy.
Doc : I cannot believe that I jumped into a swamp when we could have just done that.
Woman : I was bested by regular silk and a standard removal spell.
Wynonna : So can I shoot her now?
Waverly : No!
Woman : I agree with the new girl.
Waverly : No killing on my wedding day!
Woman : It's your wedding day?
Waverly : Yeah.
Woman : Are you two lesbians?
Waverly : Bisexual.
Wynonna : No, we are sisters.
Woman : Oh, and you're getting married?
Waverly & Wynonna : No!
Doc : She is marrying the Sheriff, who is a lesbian.
Woman : Then why was the aggressive one in your wedding dress?
Waverly : You know what, great question, silk witch.
Wynonna : Because it was a magic dress. Tell 'em, Hogback.
Woman : No, the dress does not choose. The chooser chooses.
Wynonna : Throw me a frickin' bone, man.
Woman : As long as the chooser is in love.
Doc : Really?
Wynonna : I saw the dress hanging in the barn and I know it's stupid. But just for a minute, I wanted to pretend I could be that kind of normal and have that kind of... love.
Doc : We have a... complicated history.
Waverly : Okay. You want to know complicated? This woman was left at the altar. I'm so sorry that happened to you, Brigitte. Everyone deserves love.
Homestead
Wynonna: Mama's dress.
Waverly : Feels right, with a few Waverly modifications.
Wynonna : Hm.
Waverly : Do you think Mama would approve?
Wynonna : I think Mama's banging her way through Turkey. Postcards have gotten real graphic.
Waverly: Hm. Wynonna?
Wynonna : Hm?
Waverly : What is it?
Wynonna : Oh, you know. My baby sister's getting married.
Nicole : Oh, hi.
Nedley : Wow. I never knew a woman could look so beautiful in a suit.
Nicole : Took some work to get the barn s*x out of my hair, but...
Nedley : Hm.
Nicole : Sorry. Turns out, I'm a little nervous.
Nedley : I... know I'm not supposed to interrupt the bride while she's getting ready but I thought this might come in handy.
Nicole : Ah. Thank you. But I need one more thing.
Nedley : Okay.
Nicole : Will you walk me down the aisle? It would just really help if you would walk beside me, like you've been doing for most of my life.
Nedley : It would be my honour. Now, pull it together, Sheriff, let's go get you hitched.
Wynonna : You're the best of us, baby girl.
Waverly : I love you too, sis.
Nicole : You look so beautiful.
Waverly : Haught as hell.
Jeremy : Please be seated. We are here today to celebrate the union of Waverly Earp and Nicole Haught. Two elements, maybe working in a bar or small town police department, just minding their own business when one day, boom: They connect. And if the right amount of magic is involved, they become something stronger than they were before. They become love.
Please hold hands and say your vows. Nicole?
Nicole : My beautiful angel. You are the smartest, and the kindest person I know. I promise to stand by your side for all of life's adventures, and always pack a safety harness, just in case. I promise to hold your hand when the firelight grows dim and that my love never will.
Waverly : I love you.
Jeremy : Waverly?
Waverly : Nicole, I thank goodness every day for that bullet-proof vest. Without it, I would never have known a love so strong... and mighty. I promise to love you. I promise to stand beside you, as equals, for the rest of our lives.
Jeremy : Waverly, do you promise to love and respect Nicole for as long as you both shall live?
Waverly : aI do.
Jeremy : Nicole, do you promise to love and respect Waverly for as long as you both shall live?
Nicole : I do.
Jeremy : Then I now pronounce you, wife and wife. You may now kiss the bride.
Wynonna : Opa!
All : Opa!
Nicole : Hey!
Jeremy : Whoo!
Rachel : Um. I've never been to a wedding before. I hadn't done a lot of things, before I met you... heroes. And now I feel like I can do anything. But this is about Waverly and Nicole. I didn't know what to get you guys, so I got you this.
Wynonna : Nicole Rayleigh Haught. There's no way that's your middle name. My ginger bitch!
Nicole : Wynonna.
Wynonna : Best friend. I'm so glad you finally found someone worthy of you. Cheers.
Nedley : Jeez, look, former invisible monster teen, wear a bell, will ya?
Billy : Yeah. Um, so...
Rachel : Maybe?
Nedley : Wow. You two work out this whole presentation ahead of time?
Rachel : Please, Randy?
Nedley : Okay. He can come. But... there's only gonna be one kind of tent we're pitching on this trip.
Billy : Yes, sir.
Rachel : So embarrassing.
Jeremy : Hey, uh, Damon. I just wanna apologize.
Damon : For trying to out me? Or for accusing me of being some sort of demon?
Jeremy : Yes?
Damon : Okay, well, grab the other side of this. I didn't say stop?
Jeremy : Look, I wasn't gonna out you.
Damon : I'm already out.
Jeremy : Oh, cool, same. I'm in the same out-ness as you.
Damon : You share the same terrible, demonic secret?
Jeremy : Yeah. Enthusiastically.
Damon : Well, obviously something was weird here today, but apology accepted. I'm Bunny Loblaw's nephew.
Jeremy : Ah.
Damon : My forgiveness muscle is taut as hell.
Jeremy : Cool, well, uh, it's great to meet you. Gay you... later.
Damon : Wait.
Jeremy : Yeah?
Damon : What was that thing about you feeling something in your crotch when you saw me?
Jeremy : No, uh, no, that's like a long story. No, not that long. Just like average size.
Damon : Relax. You had me at enthusiastic. Why don't we start over? Drinks? Tomorrow night?
Jeremy : Uh.
Damon : You should probably actually get that.
Jeremy : Yeah, sorry. Hello, what is so goddamn important?
Voice : Deputy Chief Chetri?
Jeremy : No, it's Agent Chetri.
Voice : Not anymore. Black Badge needs you back and running the whole Ghost River Triangle. First thing Monday.
Jeremy : I, um, I can't do Monday. I have a date.
Voice : Well, congratulations. On all of it. See you Tuesday.
Doc’s Trailer
Wynonna : Alright, we get it. You're a good poker player. Starting to think you're not bluffing.
Doc : I have to move forward. My spurs are covered in dust. Besides I wanna see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Wynonna : What do you w-do you want me to beg?
Doc : That is beneath us both. Maybe a little. I told you a lie when we first met. All those years at the bottom of a well. Yes, vengeance drove my thinking. Kept me alive, and gave me a purpose. But when it was dark and I was scared, and I have been scared for a long time, Wynonna, I mostly thought about love. They say life is short. But it is long. And it is lonely. So if you manage to find a group of souls who will tolerate you and elevate you, Oh, and one... and one who will especially love you. Well, that is all it's about. That is what the fight is really for.
Wynonna : Please. I can't leave her.
Doc : Then you do know of what I speak.
Wynonna : I keep telling you we're the same.
Doc : You are without a doubt the best Earp that I have ever had the privilege of calling... friend.
Wynonna : Doc! I'm sorry. For all the ways I hurt you.
Doc : We only ever really hurt ourselves, Wynonna. I wouldn't have changed a note.
Homestead
Jeremy : A-a-and you said no.
Wynonna : I did.
Jeremy : To Doc Holliday. The Doc Holliday. Was he not wearing his hat?
Nicole : He has changed. But also done some like terrible things.
Rachel: So have you. To Doc.
Nicole : Yes, I know, but I don't have to sleep with him.
Rachel and Jeremy: Have to?
Wynonna : Guys, it's for the best.
Nicole: Yeah. You two have always been--
Rachel : Extremely hot.
Nicole : Fraught. Toxic?
Nedley : My fourth favourite Britney song. What are we talking about? Whoa! You better hurry, you're gonna miss him!
Nicole : Wynonna turned Doc down.
Nedley : Doc Holliday?
Wynonna : I am the Earp heir. I'm the only one who can wield Peacemaker. I can't leave the Ghost River Triangle.
Waverly : Uh, the f*ck you can't.
Wynonna : Ow! Waverly!
Waverly : Don't you "ow" me. And you lot. Letting Wynonna mess up her life, again, for us! f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you! Not you, sweetie pie.
Wynonna : Waverly.
Waverly : Nope!
Wynonna : Ow, ow, ow, okay, ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Waverly : What do we got here?
Wynonna : What are you doing?
Waverly : Okay.
Wynonna : What're you in my nick-nacks for?
Waverly : How do you have like 72 bras and one pair of panties?
Wynonna : Waverly. I am... not going.
Waverly : Wynonna Earp. Do you want to go?
Wynonna : I want to protect you.
Waverly : No. Do not put this on me.
Wynonna : Waverly--
Waverly : You need to stop thinking you're the only person who can handle this place. You need to stop acting like you're alone! And you need to stop punishing yourself. Okay.
Wynonna : But, Peacemaker. And...
Waverly : Put them on.
Wynonna : The whole... the whole thing.
Waverly : Nicole is the Angel's Shield and the Sheriff. She's gonna do things differently this time. Humans, demons we all have to figure out a way to live here together. Oh, and Jeremy's the new Deputy Director of Black Badge now!
Wynonna : Wow. Go Jer.
Waverly : We'll be okay, Wynonna.
Wynonna : Henry and I are not always good together.
Waverly : Yeah, it's been messy. But you love him.
Wynonna : Oh f*ck, I do.
Waverly : That cowboy became a cow-man for you. He's tried. Now, it's your turn, Wynonna. My biggest fear used to be that you'd... that you'd never come back. That you'd never get to know the real me. But now I know, you always will, Wynonna. Not only because you're the f*cking hero we need. When we need you. But because this is your home. It says so, right out there on the mailbox.
Wynonna : You're my whole heart, Waverly.
Waverly : We have cell phones, ding dong.
Jeremy : Yeah! Yes!
Nicole : Okay, I can give you a police escort!
Wynonna : Well, I'm more worried about… Perfect timing, old girl.
Jeremy : No!
Nicole : Jeremy! Less screaming! Nedley! Get the jumper cables!
Nedley : Alright!
Rachel : They're in the cellar, let's go! Let's go!
Jeremy : Oh no, oh my gosh! He's almost at the border!
Waverly : You installed a tracker on Doc's phone?
Jeremy : Yeah! I didn't want to miss when he posts his first TikTok. Plus I worry that he drives too fast.
Nicole : Can't leave without this!
Wynonna : Nicole, it's like 85 degrees out.
Nicole : Fashion first, bitch.
Jeremy : Oh my god. He is going 60 in a 55 zone.
Wynonna : I'll never catch up. Unless I take the back roads.
Road
Doc : Did you just shoot Charlene?
Wynonna : Yeah. Twice. Did you really think you could leave without me?
Doc : No.
Wynonna : I love you, Doc. I love you in that bottom of a deep dark well way. I love your face and your butt and your drawl and your heart. And I love the way you love my sister. And I love the way you love me.
Doc : I do love you.
Wynonna : Well, that's good.
Doc : You killed my car.
Wynonna : I'm not driving to Cleveland in that piece of sh1t.
Doc : But you're coming with me?
Wynonna : Read the room, dingus. It's been a long time since I travelled light.
Wynonna : That's quite the itinerary. Think we have time for a pit stop in Miracles, Montana?
Doc : What is in Miracles, Montana? Do you think she'll recognize us?
Wynonna : Yeah, I'd take that bet. I'm all in.
Homestead
Waverly: Hm.
Nicole : She'll be back.
Waverly : I know. Do you wish it was us? Going on a big adventure, travelling the world on a sexy chic honeymoon?
Nicole : No. Hard pass. I'm where I've always wanted to be. Home. With my wife.
Waverly : Home.
